Generation X kids seem to be quietly hiding in the shadows right now dealing with the unfortunate reality that we’re getting old - at warp speed.
As if we needed any more proof that life starts to go downhill after 40, those buzzkills at Stanford University have officially confirmed it. Apparently, around age 44, something sinister happens in your body. Mother Nature suddenly decides to flip a switch, sending your once-youthful molecules into a frenzied downward spiral. This isn't just about finding a few gray pubes or realizing your hangovers last an entire weekend. This is about molecular warfare, and the X’ers are getting punched right in the Botox-filled forehead.
According to the college study, our molecules and microbes, all 135,000 of them - give or take, are not interested in a slow, graceful decline. They prefer to launch a surprise attack right around your 44th birthday. Scientists have confirmed that these molecules start a rapid decline right around your double 4’s. One minute you’re enjoying a Zima on the patio, ache, and pain-free, and the next minute, your metabolism goes down faster than the Titanic, and you suddenly find it harder to stand up after 15 minutes on the toilet.
The bad news is that it’s not smooth sailing after your 44th, Just when you think you’ve adapted to your lack of youth, the big 6-0 looms on the horizon. Sixty is where the real fun begins. Your immune system, which has valiantly defended you for decades, starts to lose interest in doing its job. Your kidneys? They’re thinking about retirement. Your knees? Don’t bother taking the stairs. Your stomach? Don’t even consider carbohydrates. Those delicious, comforting carbs you’ve turned to in times of stress, now look at you with betrayal. Every pasta dish comes with a side of regret and an unbuckled belt. Bloated party of one.
And just for kicks the body breakdown bonus round: cardiovascular disease. The shifts in molecules at both 44 and 60 include changes related to the ol’ ticker. It doesn’t play kindly to fatty diets, the occasional cigar, and an excessive amount of caffeine any longer. Your once-reliable friend starts to become a little biological bitch ass. The days of chugging coffee to power through the morning (and afternoon) are over. Your heart will remind you with every jittery sip that caffeine doesn’t sit as well as it used to.
Ease up or cease up.
The bummer of it all is that scientists still don’t know why this happens around these ages. It’s a mystery. And it sucks. So, while we wait for the science to catch up and figure this all out, Gen X gets to enjoy the dubious honor of rapid aging, one saggy boob at a time.
So, instead of sulking, let's just face it head-on. Here’s to my fellow Gen Xers - we’ve got that chill, laid-back vibe that’ll make aging a breeze. We’ll handle it with a smirk, some fish oil, and a bit of anti-wrinkle cream - all while rocking a Nirvana tee.
Come as you are. Cheers.
Photography credit: Jeremy Padgett
