It's high time that family restaurant chains face the hard truth: their business model needs a serious makeover. I'm not talking about the menu, the décor, or even the questionable cleanliness of the highchairs. No, I'm talking about the single most obnoxious thing about casual family dining. It’s time to sit down with your marketing teams, managers, and anyone else who can still stomach a breadstick from your establishment and eliminate the annoying over the top birthday songs that ruin an otherwise decent dining experience.
Just last week, my wife and I, completely devoid of the energy required to operate an oven or tackle a mountain of dishes, decided to give ourselves a break. We packed the kids into the family SUV and headed to one of our go-to steak joints. We were ushered to a cozy corner booth by a cheerful hostess who still had a spark of joy in her eyes (clearly a new hire). The waiter appeared and rattled off the usual spiel about drink specials, appetizers, and some shrimp skewer that nobody asked for, and within fifteen minutes, we were all elbows deep in beef.
But then it happened. The restaurant began to fill up, and with it came the inevitable horror: the birthday celebrations. The corporate-mandated, soul-crushing birthday song marathon began, and there was no escape.
We endured four of these torturous performances during our meal. Four times we witnessed the waitstaff shuffle over to some poor, unsuspecting diner, armed with nothing but forced enthusiasm and a corporate-approved tune that had all the charm of a root canal. They slapped their hands, stomped their boots, and valiantly attempted to rhyme "steak" with "great" in a song so cringe-worthy it could make jury duty seem enjoyable. And let’s not forget the grand finale: a "yeeeeeeehaaaawwwwwww" so loud and proud it could be heard clear across the parking lot at the Kohl’s next door.
Please. Just. Stop.
This is my plea to all restaurants please end this madness now.
The cheesy birthday song and dance routine is unnecessary, unbearable, and universally hated by anyone with functioning eardrums. You’re interrupting perfectly good meals for a spectacle no one asked for and everyone dreads. It’s embarrassing for the birthday victim, awkward for the other diners, and downright painful for your staff, who would clearly rather be doing anything else - like sneaking out back for a vape break.
A quick scan of the room revealed a sea of eye-rolls, face-palms, and muffled groans. By the time the fourth song rolled around, I was seriously questioning why we didn’t just pony up a few extra bucks to dine at a classier joint - one that doesn’t force-feed its patrons a side of musical theater with their loaded baked potato.
Look, I get it. This tradition is deeply ingrained, and suggesting its demise is practically heresy. I know ol’ Frank who works in marketing at Applebee’s - with his tucked-in t-shirt and white New Balance sneakers, will argue that people LOVE to be embarrassed, and that birthday songs somehow translate into a slice of cake up-sale. But come on - there has to be a better way to show your appreciation. I don’t see anything wrong with walking over a scoop of ice cream with a candle plopped in the middle to quietly congratulate Grandma on another trip around the sun. Slip her a 20% off coupon for her next visit and call it good.
Simple, sweet, and most of all silent.
Photography credit: Jeremy Padgett
